Perceptions

My father just recently published a fiction book called Trial of Billy Ranhalt which tells about a disable veteran who returns home. It was very interesting reading it from the perspective of the soldier. I grew up as an army brat and I also had to deal with my father suffering from a massive brain bleed. When I was reading the book, I really wanted to say, wait a minute think of how the kids feel. It really got me started thinking about a young adult book I had worked on myself years ago. When your parent goes off to war, it disrupts your entire life. There is the worry, the family unit just isn't whole, and tension. As a teenager you just keep thinking that once they return home everything will be back to normal. I am sure there are a lot of teens out there who have it harder than I did and the teenage years are not easy for anyone. But when a parent who goes off to war the one thread of hope that I held onto was that once he got back everything would be like a fairytale. And they were that way for a little while. Then my father had a massive brain bleed which was very hard because he was a very intelligent and strong man. What was worse was watching his frustration with himself. I thought it was so cruel for him to be trapped in this body that did not work the same and for him to realize it. But at the same time as often happens someone is so critical of their own family more so than they would ever be as a stranger. It is hard not to be angry at your parent for not just "getting on with life". Why couldn't he be happy he was alive? Why couldn't he find a different job that he could do? Why couldn't he just want to be with us? As anyone knows, after a traumatic brain injury the person is never the same. And we expect our parents to never change, at least as a kid. I've learned to see my father as a person though and not just a father. It is funny how my own kids see me just as a Mom. I'm not supposed to have any other life. Even my work is tied to being a Mom so that I can provide for them. Children want us to always be there and have nothing before them or after them. It changes through time, but still it is like we expect our parents to be that one constant in the world. As my son said when my husband and I went out on a date, "Why are you trying to ditch us?".

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The Parents Learn a Lesson

As a parent, I have all of these ideas about lessons I would like my children to learn. Rob and I agree on almost all and one of them was that we wanted them to learn teamwork and what it is like to be a part of something bigger than yourself. So we have this rule that they are required to participate in one team sport. So as spring was coming around and all of the fliers went home about sports, we sat down with them to decide what sport they would play.

Jackson decided on baseball, which we were thrilled about. As a toddler he would sit and watch the Little League World Series for hours. He would go to the cabinet and get out a bowl and put it on his head as a helmet and then get a duster or anything else he could find to pretend it was a bat. He loved baseball. His first word was ball. So when he didn't want to play baseball once he was old enough to sign up we didn't understand. So finally, our little ball lover is playing baseball. He loves it. He is so cute in his uniform. He has played pitcher, short stop, first base, catcher and outfield. He loves first base and pitcher the best so far. All of the practice and clinics have taken a toll on Rob and I though. It is hard to work all day then rush to a practice for several hours then rush home to do homework, feed them, take a bath, and get them in bed. I was beginning to think the kids had taught us a lesson, that sometimes doing less is more enjoyable. Then at his game this week, he tagged a runner out while playing short stop and seeing his face made it all worth it.

Maisy and Caleb are playing soccer. Last Saturday, we had two games back to back in 50 degrees and raining weather. It was so cold, windy and wet, I was worried about Charlie sitting out in that weather and getting sick. I was freezing and my hands were numb. Maisy was cute running with her teammates and the look on her face was so intense. I could see the neurons building pathways of the enjoyment human connections can give. Then Caleb after a very hard game in which they lost by 1 point, said I assisted in 3 goals and I kicked the ball 13 times. It was wonderful how he got the fact that he didn't score the goal but the goal could not have been scored had he not passed the ball. I was so tired after the game, I started to cry thinking about how many more games we have. Just getting 4 kids to all of their events with the correct equipment and uniform on sometimes takes divine intervention. But the lesson I have learned is that sometimes the things that take the most work, are the things that are the most rewarding.

Time FGoes By

So I didn't realize it had been 5 months since my last post. It feels like it was just yesterday. The days are running together. Christmas was absolutely chaotic because we decided to take the kids to Disney World. If I could give other Moms a piece of advice it would be not to go on a lengthy vacation right before Christmas because it take so much work just to prepare for Christmas. Everything was so rushed, it feels almost as thought there was no Christmas. It was Charlie's first Christmas though. All he wanted to do was eat the paper though. Maisy just wanted more and more presents regardless of what present she just opened and how much she liked it. Caleb just enjoyed the whole thing and loved building all the things he could with all his Legos and Bionicles. Jackson was upset because all he wanted for Christmas was an ipod touch. He ended up getting almost enough money to buy it and we pitched in the rest. I posted a CUTE picture of Rob helping the boys build the Marble Maze. I think Rob enjoyed it almost as much as the kids.

With the new year, I got to thinking about my New Years Resolutions from last year and how I did on accomplishing them. First, I wanted to become fluent in another language, mainly Spanish since I already know a lot. Well that did not happen. But I thought about all the languages I am fluent in. First, I can understand baby talk, with Charlie I know from across the house if his cry means I'm hungry, I'm poopy, I'm tired, I'm uncomfortable, or One of my siblings just tried to "help" me. So I am fluent in baby talk. Next, I although it might be impossible for anyone to be fluent in 3 year old language, I am getting pretty good. I know "you're not my friend" means although you said no to be a good mom she still doesn't like it. I know "poopy head" means she is not happy with what the other kid just did and she is frustrated. I know "I'm not tired" means she is exhausted. Now with our 6 and 8 year old sons, it has proved a little more difficult to grasp the language. "I had a horrible day at school" means not every single person on the playground wanted to play with me. "I'm not hungry" means what you cooked for dinner looks so unappealing I would rather starve. "You don't care about me" means how dare you not give into me and my wants. So even though I am still not fluent in Spanish, I did grasp a few new languages.

My other New Years Resolution last year was to start working out. Well, we adopted a rescue dog in October. And although the year is 3/4 over in October, it was still in 2009. Well I have had to chase that dog every morning as not just tries to follow the kids to the bus stop but actually tries to get on the bus. It is now a morning ritual for all the kids on the bus and the bus driver to expect Kodi to be there at the bus stop. Work has also been so busy that I have had to sprint in heels (which I think could qualify as those fancy calf shaping shoes they sell for $150) from meeting to meeting while carrying binders full of records (equivalent to 10 pound hand weights). I've also done a good hour on the stairmaster three times a week carrying all the laundry up the stairs to the kids' rooms. So although I did not hit a gym the entire year, I actually did work out.

And yes, I am carrying over those 2 new years resolutions into this year. And although the month of January is almost over, I still haven't practiced Spanish once nor have I hit the gym once. But according to a book we read for Book Club, The Alchemist, it is the point of having the dream not just achieving it. And Yes, I do still dream of achieving a lot of things that I may never achieve.